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Whenever I am going through a period of frustration, there is always a point where I start to notice things that re-ground me and remind me of the calm that is on its way. It can be the flight of two birds right in front of me as I drive, a butterfly that appears out of no where, glancing at a page of text and not really reading anything have a couple of words that pop out to me and reassure me that I am not lost. Tonight I start on a random website, which links to a blog, and the very top entry references James I:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Persevere and know that He is there. Does He know my heart or what?

I was finally able to speak to someone at the teaching certification program. She said that it would be okay to change my references - that is great...now who? After some thought, I decided to send an email to two professors that I had last semester, hoping they would be able to confirm my sanity, er, abilities in a potential classroom. My only concern is that I'm not sure they are teaching any summer courses, so they may not be able to respond to my inquiries. As for me, I was just proud of myself for actually following through on something I thought would be scary - for fear of receiving a negative response. Putting it into perspective "I never have to see these people again, so what is there really to lose?"

We'll see how that chapter turns out...

The last few nights I have gone to bed past midnight, but I want to try something out in the kitchen tomorrow. I finally received my ebleskiver (or aebleskiver, with both pronounced able-skeever) pan, and am looking forward to making something with it in the morning.

Let the drooling commence...

...there is also an ebleskiver recipe that will help me on my quest to make the best Panera bread four-cheese egg souffle likeness...I need to get the hang of turning the ebleskivers in the pan first before I take on that challenge.

Irritated

This is not the week to contend with me. Everything is still up in the air and indecision is trying to sneak into my life at full force. It also doesn't help when the weekend I asked off some time ago is in jeopardy. First it was a meeting, and now it is a full day scheduled to work when it is even marked as a day off.

I was hoping that things would have moved along faster by now...this test is getting tough if it is a test of faith and patience.

We knew the summer would be a tough time financially, and that forecast is sadly coming to fruition. Too many other things to worry about, that I am not getting the chance to dwell too long on the issues mentioned in previous posts.

All I want to do is just nap...and avoid the issues.

...overload...

Still waiting for things to fall into place to make things happen. But another kink was thrown into play. As I have not been accepted into a teacher preparation program as of yet, I have pretty much missed the coursework that I could have taken this month. I thought I would have missed the big series of classes in July as the registration deadline was initially on the last day of May, but I went online trying to sort out what classes I would have to take, and discovered that they moved the July classes registration deadline to July.

Yesterday while at work as I was breaking down all the equipment from my workshop, a manager casually inquired about my work availability. Noting I was not aware of the majority of my classes being wiped away for the month and knowing that I pretty much missed the ball for July - I pretty much recited my official availability that is on record. No Sundays...need to be off by x time in the afternoon on x and x weekday. I had to be non-committal on this - there will be a handful of Saturdays where I cannot work in the afternoon until x in the evening. For what I do now...this is workable. But did I mention that the manager is one that is a decision-maker for that work position I interviewed for last week? In this particular position, the primetime is in the morning and afternoon...including Saturdays. The fact that this manager asked this particular question pretty much signals that this could be a deal-breaker, or perhaps more of a sudden death round in this quest for the position I have been seeking for so long.

More and more, this is what I see forming for the next few months: If I am accepted, it will likely be too hectic/late/impossible/stressful to locate an internship as a teacher of record in a classroom starting in August. I could do the Clinical Teaching Experience, CTE, (alternative certification version of student teaching) but I would only do this if I remained PT at my current job as I would be in the classroom during the first half of the school year. I would probably not do this, because it would not be paid, and I actually have to pay around $3000 to do this (at least with the internship, the $3000 or so would be deducted monthly from the paycheck you receive as a teacher). So realistically it would look like me staying in my current job through yet another Black Friday and Holiday, allowing me to stockpile some funds so that I can complete the CTE during the Spring half of the school year, complete it with flying colors, and pass tests to become a fully certified teacher in time for finding a position for the next school year.

Of course, this all depends on getting the next big anticipated email/letter that says, "accepted".

Now to light some fires under some people's bottoms...so I can get closer to that word.

I know He is in charge, and overall I am not worried, but I just need to find peace in the anticipation and take this waiting time to acknowledge all of the blessings in just getting to this point.

...limbo...

This is exactly where I am right now. There is no metaphorical "ball" in my court, but I wish I could just get the other player to at least aim in the right direction. Here is where my life stands:

Sector A: Interview went well, the manager that attended the interview as well as the manager that would have been in the interview, but couldn't, commented on how impressed they were that I was so prepared. I brought it. I took it seriously because this is seriously what drives me to do many of the things that I want to do, both in the short and long term of my life. There are a couple more people they need to interview, so hopefully I will hear some feedback/results next week.

Sector T: All that I can submit has been submitted. They are waiting for two references. I just need to be extra persistent with one as they said they would get it done this past weekend. The other who I never see because they are at a different store, I have "nudged" them by sending them an email - because honestly, maybe they don't check that account and it's sitting in an overflowing inbox between shopping ads and newsletters.

In other news, today was an odd day at work. Granted, I was off for the last three days before today, but it was as though some of the wiring for the store became frayed today somehow. I caught wind of some news that three co-workers are off to greener pastures as well as heard some very unsettling news about the pitfalls of feedback. It also made me realize that retail is a system that is in ever need of repair and upkeep. One problem gets fixed, while another problem (usually something that was a problem before but was repaired) pops up. A co-worker of mine that no longer works in the same store definitely nailed it when she referred to it as "a vicious cycle". I remember she got so much flack for obviously flubbing on her words, but there was definite truth to her Freudian slip.

I have also come to a realization that my life is often too absorbed in many peoples' lives. My heart can only handle so much and also with campaign season upon us, there is only so much ad hominem and personal political wars that I can take before I completely give up on humanity. The problem is that I have not figured out how exactly to prune the exposure - FB is only so user-friendly, but fails at mass friendlist editing. My mind has twice courted the idea of deactivating my account there and just communicating with people via this site. I know that I would have some very unhappy family members if they could not keep up with my daughter.

All I can do now is to utilize the ignore feed on FB, maybe I can control what feedback I receive from the social network.

Passed

On Friday afternoon, after checking the site constantly after taking the test last Tuesday, I was sitting at a red light (shame on me, I shouldn't use my phone while behind the wheel) and I felt the urge to check again. A few red lights later I was able to see the word that was to help get things in motion. The score was pretty high in comparison to what I need to pass. The range of the passing score to the highest score was sixty points and I scored 34 points higher than the passing score.

This past weekend was going to be the prime "complete everything else" time. Little girl was recovering from her strep throat from two weeks ago, then husband fell ill Friday night and ended up going to urgent care the next morning with a diagnosis in the tune of URI. On Sunday, little girl was cranky (as she does when she is sick) in the morning, but her urgent care center would not open until noon, so I had to succeed at getting her to take a nap...and nap she did, for FIVE hours. After our five our nap, she was as chipper as she would have been at 7am that morning. Except that late Sunday, I started to feel the tinge of illness. Yesterday, at work, I felt awful all day with runny nose, sinus pressure headaches, bodyaches, chills...and came home that night to discover a very high fever, one that reminds me of the old "Say no to drugs" ads. You know the ones.

Doctor visit this morning assures me that I get the best of both of my cherished loved ones ailments. I have both strep and URI. My fever finally broke around noon, and I feel like a sweaty mess. If you sit in my chair afterwards, be assured I did not have an accident, it is just damp from all the sweat (I'm hoping all the toxins are being pushed out of my body).

Despite the fog and initial recovery, which finds me in coughing fits ending up in stomach cramps, I did get my application sent off as well as getting the change to stop by the bank to get a form notarized to send off with the materials they need from me.

My mother, sister, and aunt will be here on Friday...and the house is a wreck - I had anticipated that today and tomorrow would be clean up days since I am off work (and I should have known earlier in the month that these would be my recovery from illness days, because that usually happens when I have an anticipated and well planned day off) but I know I need rest to make it through the next couple of weeks...fraught with more anticipation (acceptance into the program?, wowing my current bosses in an interview for a position that I have sought for three years?)

But I can only worry about today...

Crossroads

The title pretty much sums it up - my life right now is depending on the presence of one little word on a website that does not have the information needed to give that one little word. Passed. This past Tuesday I took the official first step into applying for an Alternative Certification program to gain my Teacher Certification. This test must be passed to even be accepted into an AltCert program. However, there are many other mini-hurdles to overcome to be accepted. If I planned out the courses that I have taken over the last year correctly, all the A's should help my last 60 hours very much. The next step would be financial - the summer is a pretty meager time for all of us, because my husband's private lesson studio dwindles as school is out, then add my part time hours of lovely Retail (I went part-time to really go all-out and attend school full-time these last two semesters)...Hello Ramen!

Also, a rare opportunity surfaced again at work, there is a full time Creative position, and hopefully I will get to interview for it in the next week or so. I know they are going to ask about school (which that leg of my long term plan is done, I hope) and what about my dream of teaching outside of work (which is a possibility, but the teaching market is still bruised). But if I could convince them that I am the right person, I could have some more stable routine in my retail work life, and not to mention full-time perks again. Yes, best case scenario, I would find an internship as a first year teacher starting in August...but that is still  some time away - and there are still so many things that must happen first.

Sweet girl is getting smarter and more gracious - she says "thank you", "Please"...and even "Bless You" after someone sneezes. She loves music, dancing, and Yo Gabba Gabba (which considering the formers, is no surprise). We continue to learn more about ourselves through her everyday, and I ache to provide her more. More love, more of my time, and more of the opportunities that I can only dream to give her.

...and to think maybe that whirlwind could start from a single anticipated word.

Dusting off the cobwebs...

Well, for a little while at least. Just wanted to make sure I could even sign in...it's amazing what one could forget in over a year. It has been over a year since my last post, but life does a lot of things to you.

I wanted to revisit, to try to be better at blogging more frequently, because there are some changes that are underway in my life. They are no where near being finalized for my comfort, but I have had some little hiccup barriers that could have made me lose hope, but God always finds a way for the good work one is destined to do.

Next week, I will start on some Field-Based Training, where I will observe some classrooms to fulfill my 30 hour requirement. My hiccup was that a lot of the schools stopped taking classroom observers at the beginning of last month, and this observation requirement was just discovered a couple of weeks ago at a meeting with Region 10.

There are still other things to combat, but I know I'm in good Hands. Now off to work for the evening!